An E-Mail? From Santa?

How odd!  I just opened my e-mail and found this peculiar note from someone with the address “The_Kringleator@NorthPole.net”  I ain’t sayin’ it’s real.  I ain’t sayin’ it’s not.  But I’m gonna share it with you nonetheless.

Ho! Ho! Ho!  It’s Christmas week, so I thought I’d take a moment from my busy schedule to wish all your readers the Merriest of Christmases!  To my friends of the Hebrew tradition, I hope you enjoyed your 8 Crazy Nights of Hanukah.  For those of you who observe the traditions of Kwaanza, my wishes for a wonderful family and community gathering.  For my Islamic friends, I salute your observation of Hijra!  For those of the Shi’a tradition, I hope you enjoyed Ashura a few days ago.  If I forgot to send you a Bodhi card on the 8th, it’s not that I wasn’t thinking of my Buddhist friends.  And I will ask you to join me to consider our Zoroastrian friends as we commemorate the death of the Prophet Zarathushtra on the 26th.  To all else, I wish an all-inclusive, all-encompassing holiday greeting and my failure to mention your specific winter holiday (I’m looking at YOU, Wiccans) is not meant to demean you or your traditions in any way whatsoever.

I’d just like to take a moment of your time to ask you to do old Santa a favor, if you don’t mind.

Lighten the fuck up.

I mean, seriously.  I saw a diary entry on Daily Kos about the wrong message some Santa impersonator was giving to the millions of children watching “Marketplace” early in the morning on MSNBC.  She was upset that this pretender intimated that only good children get presents while only bad children are overlooked… or are given coal — which given the lack of a REAL clean coal technology — strikes me as HORRIBLY irresponsible.

I would ask the diary writer to take a sip of egg nog, put in a tablespoon of brandy if you wish, and if it’s legal where you live and you aren’t bothered by the health concerns of inhaling smoke into your lungs, twist a doob or light up a Holiday Bong and give ol’ Santa just a minute here.

Everybody knows that good children get presents at Christmas time.  So do bad children. Have you SEEN some of the squalling brats at the Wal-Mart, screaming at the top of their lungs, tugging at their Mommy or Daddy’s coat, hollering about this toy or that toy and how they’ll drop dead from apoplexy (that’s an old fashioned word for “stroke,” heh-heh… Santa sometimes lapses into antiquity in his letters)?  Do you think that THESE spoiled rotten little miscreants will be ignored come Christmas morning?

HEAVENS, no!  In fact, they will probably get BETTER presents than YOUR kids do… and Santa knows YOUR kids have been good as gold all year… and Santa isn’t talking about those ripoff coins Glenn Beck peddles on his stupid show. THEY will get the BETTER presents — but they won’t be from Santa!  They’ll be colorfully-wrapped bribes from Mommy and Daddy who want a modicum of peace in their lives and don’t have the spine to tell their children the wonderful lesson taught by the Rolling Stones — “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”

Now, Santa’s heart is with the good children who will find slim pickings under the tree this year… if they even get a tree.  But everyone knows… or SHOULD know… that Santa isn’t responsible for what you do or do not find under the tree on Christmas morning.

Santa’s only job these days is to try to put a bit of joy into each heart.  Every child from birth to the grave can feel the joy Santa brings at Christmas.  (Sometimes Santa wonders why the Buddhists didn’t grab onto the Santa concept, since my philosophy is, on the face of it, quite zen.) Santa’s only purpose… the only thing Santa CAN do… is to help Mommies and Daddies, sometimes it’s just Mommies, sometimes it’s just Daddies, sometimes it’s Gramma or Grandpa or some OTHER nice adult who is in charge of raising the kids… Santa’s ONLY utility is to give each of you a special gift.

That gift is the gift of love and togetherness.  Whatever your religious tradition, Santa thinks it’s possible for you to take a quiet moment with your children, turn down the lights, turn off the TV, light a candle and tell a story.  You choose the story, whether it is about the birth of a baby on a wond’rous night thousands of years ago, or if it’s the story of how the Grinch found his heart growing three sizes one day… it’s your story. You tell it.

The most wonderful thing about THIS gift is you can give give it to each other each and every day of the year.

The gift of another day.

The gift of being able to enjoy a beautiful sunrise.

The ability to appreciate a cool breeze on your face on a hot day.

The certain knowledge that there is no such thing as “certain knowledge.” That no matter how smart you think you are, someone else is smarter.  And nobody knows everything.  Heck, not even ol’ Santa can pick the right six numbers in the Power Ball!  And I’m SANTA, for crying out loud!

So, like I said at the outset.  Lighten the fuck up.  (I apologize for the language, but I’m old, I’ve been really busy, and I get a bit cranky from time to time.)

If you’re shopping, LET that other guy have the parking space. SO you have to walk a little further.  It’s good for your heart. DON’T push and shove in the store.  If they run out of the thing you want, get something else!  Two weeks after Christmas, you won’t be able to swing a dead cat at the store without knocking over full displays of that thing you want.  And it will be on sale.  Get it then! TEACH your kids that there’s more to Christmas (or any of the other holidays) than “What Did I Get?” It’s actually more about “What Can I Do?  What Can I Give?  How Can I Help?”

Now, Santa knows that no matter what he writes, there’s gonna be a bunch of sour old Grinches who THINK they have the Christmas spirit as long as they have the shiniest lights on their house, the biggest tree in their living room, the largest pile of presents under the tree, and the most satisfied and spoiled children.  But Santa ALSO knows that there are people who, when shopping, will drop a nice, new toy into the Toys for Tots box, or will give a nice coat or hat or nice shoes to a charity drive.

Well, I guess I’ve rambled on long enough.  Just remember.  Santa’s watching you.  All the time! Every move you make.  And if you’re NOT a good little boy or girl… don’t sweat it.  Try harder tomorrow.  But if you’re a NAUGHTY, GREEDY grownup who doesn’t CARE about people who have less than you do, don’t worry about finding coal in your stocking.

Karma is a bitch.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

(I originally published this on Sunday, but it got lost in the redesign.)