"The Raven" — With Apologies to Mr. Poe

(Ed. Note:  This happened last night.  It wasn’t really poem-worthy… but then, what is?)

Once upon a late night dreary, while I pondered weak and weary.
Over many a wasted evening watching TV shows that bore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my bedroom door.
‘Tis my addled brain,” I muttered, ‘thinks it hears stuff at my door.’
Only this, and nothing more.

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak November,
And each separate family member went to bed to sleep and snore.
Eagerly I wished to hurry — vainly I had sought to scurry
Off to sleep to cease to worry — about a border collie‘s sore.
For the rare and gentle doggie whose left paw was raw and sore.
Licked to hairless, bleeding sore.

Back under my covers turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” thought I, “I can’t ingore, say, something at my bedroom doorway
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore –
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore;
Tis my mind, and nothing more.

Open here I flug the door and there, like some fur covered boar
In there stepped my doggie, Raven, border collie, mention in this verse before.
Not the least obeisance made she, not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But with mein of lord or lady, pushed her way right through the door.
Checked my bed, then turned and stared and plopped and laid there on the floor.
Plopped and laid there, nothing more.

Then this ebony dog beguiling my tired, worn face into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance she wore.
“Though thy paw be sore and hairless, seems you’ve been a little careless,
Cuddly, border collie Raven, wandering from the kitchen floor –
Tell me what thou wantest now so that I can get back to sleep.
Quoth my Raven, “Weep, Weep, Weep!”

My sweet Raven, laying lonely on the bedroom rug, made only
That one sound, as if her soul in that one word she did outpour.
Back in bed, I fixed the covers, patted them and soon discovered
When I scarely more than muttered, “Get on the bed and go to sleep.
On the morrow, we’ll awake and prosper from a good night’s sleep.
Quoth my Raven, “Weep, Weep, Weep!”

“Lay there then,” my whisper told her, “Have it your way,” o’er my shoulder,
I designed to just ignore her, laying on my bedroom floor.
Desolate, she caught my eye and, like a softie, made me sigh.
I really hate to hear her cry, “Come over here,” I did implore.
“Come here and see me,” I commanded. She slowly rose up from the floor.
Came up and kissed me from the floor.

Then my Raven, no more waiting, not a moment hesitating,
Hopped up from the bedroom rug and took her spot from nights before.
She closed her eyes, sailed off to dream of that whatever good dogs dream.
Perhaps of plates of whipping cream that she and Shiloh do adore.
Warm and comfy I soon joined her, went to sleep just like before.
Love them doggies — evermore!

There Was No Lizard in My Bathtub

You will no doubt be happy to know there was no lizard in my bathtub last night.

Nor, did I really think there WAS one.  I had just gone in there for my nite-nite wee-wee when I saw the hind legs and long tail of a black lizard scurry under my shower seat.

Now, common sense dictates that there could be no lizard in my bathtub.  We’re not in Florida, for God’s sake.  But just to be sure that it wasn’t a spider or some other large bug that my brain MISTOOK for a lizard, I opened up the shower curtain, took a good look around and saw that nothing had run under the shower seat.  My brain obviously saw some sort of shadow in the shower curtain and interpreted it as the back end of a lizard running under my shower seat.

Just like it will sometimes see a chunk of missing stove enamel and believe it has legs and antennae.  Just like it will see a cluster of leaves on a tree and think it’s a big hornet’s nest.  Just like it will see the wind blowing a piece of paper and mistake it for a rabbit running away.  Just like it will see a dangly group of ornaments hanging from the rear view mirror in the car and mistake it for a child we’re just about to run over.

Ah, Parkinson’s disease… the stuff you come up with to keep me entertained…